Anyone home?
I clawed back the blanket off my body and groggily opened my eyes. Instant dread, and instant anxiety.
My alarm is yelling at me to wake up, but I don’t want to switch it off because I don’t want to see the notifications on my phone by accident. No, no, it’s too early for that. And my eyes are blurry, I’m so tired.
My phone has been on do not disturb for 2 years now but still… sometimes a pesky notification gets through and ruins my morning. I won’t risk it, best not to look.
‘It hasn’t always been this way,’ I tell my soon-to-be-husband as he groans to roll over, my alarm still shrilling through the house. Our cat Randal side-eyes me grumpily, I’ve disturbed him too. Poor baby. I sigh and swipe to turn the alarm off.
I need to get my shit together, I think. It takes me way too long to drag myself from sleep each day; I’m exhausted.
‘It hasn’t always been this way,’ I mumble again as I slide out of bed, my feet connecting with cold tile. ‘It’s just this job, I just need a break. I love you, I’m sorry.’ I end with a whisper, leaning over to kiss my love on the cheek before I vacate the bedroom.
And no, the truth was it hadn’t always been that way. But the reality of working in fintech for 5 years at this point, surviving a few volatile market cycles, and joining an all-male team with no HR was really taking its toll on me.
But this is what it takes, I would tell myself. This is what it takes to be successful and earn this kind of money. Every other woman I know in tech feels the same, I would find solace in knowing I wasn’t the only one suffering for the paycheck.
After all, I was earning the most money I’d ever earned in my life, well above the median salary. I’ve made it, so just suck it up!
And suck it up I would. Until I arrived at a point where I was nearly suffocating on the sheer amount of sexism and toxicity that I was not processing, but instead absorbing.
For two years I had stayed in that soul-sucking job. I decided to try and start writing again to compensate for the void I was feeling inside.
Words had not come easily to me for some years though, I almost forgot my life’s dream was to become a published author. That’s all I had wanted as a young teen. The gap between that bright eyed, wondrous version of myself and who I had become was seemingly irreconcilable.
So, in the wee hours of the morning as my lovely husband peacefully slept, I crept out into the kitchen, made myself a coffee, and sat down at my laptop.
Writing was more then just…. Well, writing. It had always been a safe refuge for me. A quiet space that I could take up and let my imagination explode. I would write to understand my feelings, write to understand the world and process, write to conjure worlds I could only dream of adventuring into.
And suddenly, at nearly 30 years of age, I found myself wanting to… no, needing to write, to relieve this deep, painful ache inside of me.
There was a story inside of me that was scratching its way to the surface and the only way it was going to come forward was if I gave it space to; so I started writing whatever would come to mind.
And to my surprise, the floodgates opened.
Finding Purpose in Unlikely Places
The words practically spilled out of me. I began reminiscing about a time where I had unwavering conviction of who I was and what I wanted to do in this world; which was to make a real difference. Create some good. That morning, I wrote as a way of creating a map back to myself.
I started jotting down what I wanted in the next chapter of my life, what kind of wife I wanted to be. What kind of woman I wanted to be. What kind of friend I wanted to be. And how I wanted to feel about myself. How I wanted to feel about work.
Soon after I completed a full life audit, I found myself drawing up plans for Shekinah House, a mission that had been on my heart for over a decade now.
I had wanted to bring this mission to life for some time, but I had let my career take priority. I figured when I felt successful and accomplished, I’d hang up the proverbial gloves, retire and spend all my time doing humanitarian work through Shekinah House.
And yet as I began pouring words onto a page and digging back into the parts of myself I had neglected, I started to gain some perspective.
The perspective was this; what on earth am I waiting for?
I’m watching the world essentially burn around me. Horrific, terrible things are happening around our globe, and I couldn’t think of a reason not to start now, anymore.
This map I began creating for myself also became a map for the mission of Shekinah House. I decided to do something purposeful with my time outside of work, not to let that job steal my personal time or energy any longer. A reclamation, if you will.
I resolved that on weekends, from then onwards, I was unavailable. And that would be the time I started dedicating to Shekinah House, but also me.
It’s been over one year of honouring this resolution, and I want to tell you something important.
My life has changed for the better.
What flowed on from that one morning of making a conscious decision to reconnect with myself and my purpose, saw me through to being accepted into Anthologia as a published author. Being part of the second issue of this powerful series that features women authors, truly cracked open the floodgates and saw me expand in ways I hadn’t in years.
Shekinah House finally, after 10 years, came to life. But something inside of me also came back to life.
I found purpose, in the midst of what was becoming a depressing career. Outside of my very serious, very professional front in tech, I was building something beautiful. And I’ve spent a great deal of time this past year deliberating on how to share this journey with others.
Because I know many women who are just like me when I was trapped in that soulless job, shoving down their desires and their brilliance because it’s a compromise they think they have to make.
That one decision I made to essentially turn a new page and operate differently has seen me change jobs, start an agency, lead a team of women, and grow as a professional woman with a strength I never knew I had.
And I hope you feel my heart in these words when I say, if it’s possible for me to turn my career and life around, it’s possible for you too.
My Hope for this Space
My plan is to begin opening up and sharing more of what steps I took to realign my career and work with purpose and meaning. My hope is that this space becomes a thriving hub of resources and community where women like you and I can come to connect, rejuvenate and get inspired to try something new, or even simply try again.
As a closing thought, here are some affirmations I jotted that one morning. I share these in hopes you might find something of substance for yourself:
I don’t have to choose, I can have it all. I can have the happy life and meaningful career that doesn’t suck the life out of me.
I’m blessed, and I will seek more blessings every day.
I don’t have to feel shame around the version of myself that this job has brought out of me. This is not who I am, and I choose to be the version of myself that is happy, thriving and full of purpose.
I’m not alone, I have a husband who loves me, and friends who care for me. I’m not alone.
If you take nothing else away from this personal blog, let it be this: the journey of a thousand steps starts with a single one. My journey has twisted and taken many turns over the past decade but I’ve learned not to discount any of the experiences I’ve had, whether they were good or difficult.
What we go through shapes who we are, it is part of the human experience to live, love, lose, win, fail, succeed, and everything else in between.
If you don’t know where to start, start exactly where you are. Check in with yourself; is anyone home? How are we doing? How do we feel?
Because just like it did for me, this process of mapping the self can work for you too. I’ll share more about exactly what I did in the next blog, coming soon!
